Shaking the Dust.
When I first posted this song on October 31 last year, it was my private adieu to fundamentalism. I couldn’t say that overtly at the time. Circumstances were too recent. The pain was too sharp. The wounds were too fresh and confusing.
Grant had found this Janis Ian song in our collection during a Fall Saturday chore of indexing our mp3 files, and it was too spot-on to avoid. We sat listening to it over and over, stunned at how accurately it expressed our deep feelings of sadness and disappointment.
We were being summarily and completely pushed out of our faith community. I personally had left alone, packing up my office by myself in the middle of the night when the kids were asleep and when the shunning eyes were absent. They literally tried to stop my husband’s singing in the middle of his song–just as he and I were learning how free and full-of-grace that song was. They said our study was foolish and selfish and that the darkness of ignorance was best–a blessing in disguise.
So on this on our own Reformation Day, once again but this time openly, adieu. I hate to see a friend go down in flames without a song, so I leave you with this.
Adieu. God help us all.
I’m leaving by night.
I’m leaving alone.
I’m leaving it lie
When you waken I’ll be gone.
I would not beg for me
As I would not beg for you
Though I’d like to be
The one to see you through.Every step you have taken
Disappears with the tide.
You’re torn up and shaken
With changing your mind.
You haven’t got the grace
To say you’ll finally decide.
And you haven’t got
The strength to stay to fight.Those people who surround you
Only want to see you weak enough to crawl.
They’ll lie for you, decide for you
And buy up all your rights
And all your wrongs.
And they’ll try to stop your singing
In the middle of your song;
For they do not want you free
And they will not make you strong,
But only drag you down
In the hole they’re coming from.They say you are foolish
In wanting the sun.
Say you are selfish
In learning to run.
Tell you that the darkness
Is a blessing in disguise;
For you never have to notice
If you’re sighted or you’re blind.
And they’ll do their best
To keep you from the light.You’re more than beginning;
You’re learning to fly.
You feel like you’re falling.
But it passes in time.
I hate to see a friend go down
In flames without a song.
So I’m waiting by the doorway
But I will not linger long.And I’m leaving by night.
I’m leaving alone.
I’m leaving it lie.
When you waken I’ll be gone.
I would not beg for me
As I could not beg for you.
But I’d like to be
The one to see you through.
July 27 2008 08:00 am | Grace and Sing and Speak
July 27th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
This is so beautiful. And from my favorite decade! Why have I not heard of Janis Ian? Must go find more…
Thanks for posting it (again). Don’t know why I didn’t catch it the last time.
August 2nd, 2008 at 10:51 am
I understand…though I can imagine the intensity of your experience would be more intense than my own. I was thinking about how I’m a Lutheran leaving a “synod” for another “synod”–I am not completely changing my entire theological pov.
Also, I never really felt a “part” of the WELS. I tried very hard–I truly did….but it’s weird at how on the outside I don’t miss much. My relationships with other WELS members pretty shallow I guess (generally speaking–I still have friends in the WELS & my parents/sisters are WELS too).
I’m walking away–but I’m still on solid ground–I’m hurting, but the floor wasn’t ripped out so completely as it was for you. In this, I realize how intense everything must have been for you & Grant. My experience alone was painful enough–but to completely have to sort out everything they way you guys had to…well….that is pretty daunting.
I want to say that I’m very proud of you. We go back a bit and I kept up on everything…with the bit of a gap during the “schism” (for lack of a better term)…but still…I see the picture I think and I respect you for the ability to allow Grace to lead you to the place you are standing in now.
Thanks for writing this all out….for being real and honest. Know that I am praying for you all still and am happy to count you as a sister in Christ.