A Singer, A Song

From The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse (Johnson and VanVonderen), p. 133:

Let’s imagine for a moment that I am a pastor whose marriage is shaky. I’m altogether unhappy with my life, and my relationship with God dried up months ago. If I’m in a system where “how things look” is what matters, I can’t possibly disclose any of the realities–it would not look good. So I pretend. My wife and I come through the door of the church arm in arm, slap on happy faces and sing with gusto. But the songs no longer have any meaning to us. We know deep in our spirit that something is radically wrong, but the thought of saying that out loud is terrifying. Everyone else here is healthy and happy. They could not possibly have the questions we have about God, or be struggling in their marriages, or ever get depressed. We are aware that something is wrong, but afraid of being ridiculed if we disclose the truth. We make a choice, and the choice is clear in a “how-things-look” system: You maintain a false image, and call it the abundant life.

The tragedy of all this is that you get no help for what’s really going on in your life…. When image is everything, when “how things look” is what matters, spiritual abuse is the next step, because you cannot help but demand performance from others when you are working so hard yourself.

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