I wrote this at an online Due Date group for July 2001:<\/p>\n
I want to thank you all for all the love and support you have offered me. I am so overwhelmed by your care. I will read each post carefully over the next few days. I want to and I need to.<\/p>\n
I can only say that the grace of God has carried me and my husband through all of this. I can see that He has directly helped my whole family grieve, and I\u2019m so thankful to Him for the grace and strength He offers. I\u2019m overwhelmed by His care. Thank you for your many prayers and hugs. We have needed them and will continue to need them.<\/p>\n
I know that this may be a difficult story for many of you to read. I will not be hurt if you need to stop. I know that I probably could not have read it in the last few weeks of my pregnancy, but I still need to tell it. After I\u2019m done, please get on your knees and be thankful for the life you have in your belly or in your arms. It is the sweetest thing ever, and I miss it so much.<\/p>\n
We found out that Elise was a little girl on June 22 at an ultrasound. She was perfect in every way. She weighed 7lb 10 oz at the US (a weight that proved to be pretty accurate) and was strong and healthy. She was due on July 2.<\/p>\n
My pregnancy had been a relative breeze. Everything was rather typical and fairly easy. I had been uncomfortable in the last few weeks, but it was only normal 9th month discomfort.<\/p>\n
I went for my 40-week appointment on Thursday, July 5th, and all was well. Her heartbeat was strong, and she was still growing. I felt her kick all evening and into the early morning. I remember getting up at 3am to use the bathroom and feeling her kick. That was the last time I felt her move.<\/p>\n
The next morning, she seemed so still. I tried everything to wake her. I poked. I drank orange juice. I laid down. I thought I felt flutters, but it was probably wishful thinking. Looking back, she actually seemed to list from side to side in my belly \u2013 just as if she were dragging. It was an odd and eerie feeling.<\/p>\n
My doctor had been on vacation for the two previous weeks, and he called that afternoon just to check on me. He talked to my DH and asked if we had any questions. Grant said that I was a little worried about the lack of movement. The doctor right away got me in for an ultrasound appointment within the hour.<\/p>\n
We left the house nervous but hopeful. I recommended to Grant that we pack the car \u2013 just in case. I remember walking up the stairs and looking into the nursery thinking, \u201cI pray I have a little one to put in there in a few days. What if I don\u2019t?\u201d I tried to push that thought as far from my mind as possible. \u201cDon\u2019t be ridiculous!\u201d I told myself.<\/p>\n
We went to the ultrasound, and the tech examined Elise with my husband out of the room. She then brought him back and said she was going to get her doctor. We were both nervous, but Grant tried to reassure me. It was a very long few minutes.<\/p>\n
The doctor came in, and the tech showed him Elise. Grant watched, and he knew that he couldn\u2019t see any activity. The doctor asked Grant to sit down, and he said, \u201cThere\u2019s no easy way to tell you this, but I\u2019m not getting any fetal heart activity.\u201d I was completely stunned. I instantly went into denial. I asked him, \u201cHow did this happen?\u201d He said, \u201cWe could put you through a number of scans to try to find something, but it would just be agony for you. Dr. Teruel has already been called. He\u2019s waiting for you in his office. You should go right there.\u201d<\/p>\n
We sped out of that place. Neither of us believed it. How could that happen? I just felt her less than 12 hours before. We heard her heartbeat less than 24 hours before. What happened? We were just in disbelief.<\/p>\n
It hit me, however, when I walked into the doctor\u2019s office and I saw the look on every staff member\u2019s face. That look of pity and horror \u2013 that was for ME! I couldn\u2019t believe it! We were quickly ushered into the doctor\u2019s private office, and he came in. Then the tears hit. He cried with us. He offered mostly comfort. I needed to know the next step, and I wanted it done as quickly as possible. He said that he would try to schedule an induction for Saturday morning. We called our pastor from the doctor\u2019s office. We needed advice about burial and funeral arrangements. Pastor Brooks was out of the office and would call us as soon as he could.<\/p>\n
And then we went home. How I didn\u2019t want to tell my parents!! I wanted to spare them of this horrible sadness. I just couldn\u2019t imagine how it would have made them feel. On the way home, Grant went through the anger stage of grieving. I don\u2019t think I had this stage. His was brief and I ached for him too.<\/p>\n
We walked into the house, and I got the box of Kleenex from the downstairs bathroom. I knew this was going to be rough. My mom and dad said a very hopeful, \u201cWell?\u201d And I said bluntly with a choke in my voice, \u201cShe doesn\u2019t have a heartbeat.\u201d They, of course, said, \u201cWhat?!!\u201d And I repeated it.<\/p>\n
We all cried. A lot. An awful lot. I started to feel some contractions \u2013 maybe false labor from the stress, but maybe not. I lost my mucus plug sometime soon after. We cried more. Lots more. It was very, very hard. My dad and mom were still in denial. I was too a little, but it had time to sink in with me.<\/p>\n
The doctor called back with an alternative plan. I could go into the hospital that night and they would use the hormonal suppository (can\u2019t remember what it\u2019s called) to ripen my cervix and prepare for delivery. I wanted to get this done ASAP, especially since I was already cramping (or whatever that was). My mom and dad didn\u2019t know if they should come or not. We both assured them that this was just going to be a lengthy procedure and that they needed to stay at home. Saturday would be the big day.<\/p>\n
We ate something quickly with my parents, and I checked into the hospital around 5:30, I think. The registration lady didn\u2019t quite know what was going on, and she unthinkingly said, \u201cWe\u2019ve had 17 births yesterday and today! We\u2019re just loaded with babies.\u201d My heart ached, but I knew she didn\u2019t know any better. I just said weakly, \u201cYes, it must be the full moon.\u201d<\/p>\n
Another lady, who obviously knew my situation, came to escort me upstairs. I got the best room they said \u2013 the corner room \u2013 I\u2019m sure because the noise would be less down there. Terry was my nurse, and she checked me in. She asked me all those questions that they ask and hooked me up to a saline IV. Our pastor and his wife came to help us. It was so nice to see them. Pastor offered to take care of any arrangements with the mortuary and the memorial service.<\/p>\n
Then our Dean (Darren Lawson) came with Grant\u2019s boss and his wife (The Dunbars). The Dunbars had lost a two-year old child many years ago, and they still miss her. We had thought of them immediately when our news sunk in. It was especially sweet to see them all because we knew they especially understood the pain.<\/p>\n
After our guests left, Terry put in the hormonal suppository to ripen my cervix, and I was less than comfortable. I had to lie flat on my back, and she also injected my IV with a hefty dose of Stadol. And since I had no little one to worry about, I figured the narcotics might as well do me some good. I also wore an external monitor to track my contractions. Soon after she injected the narcotic, Grant\u2019s former teachers and our current choir director (same people) \u2013 the Cooks \u2013 came to visit. They brought a basket of fruit (which proved to be quite a God-send) and some flowers and a magazine (great for those sitz baths). I frankly don\u2019t remember much of what they said or what I said then. I was really getting loopy. Grant assured me later that I said nothing embarrassing. I hope he\u2019s right. \ud83d\ude10<\/p>\n
I slept like a stone. I had a few contractions through the night that awoke me, but I went immediately back to sleep right after them. I saw that Grant was uncomfortable in his little chair-cot. Poor dear. I was worried for him too. He told me later that he just wanted to crawl in bed next to me for comfort and to give comfort, but he didn\u2019t think that would work with all the wires and hook-ups.<\/p>\n
At 5:30 the next morning, Terry came back to check on my progress. Now, this nurse had large sausage fingers, and I\u2019ve never been so uncomfortable during an exam. It was BAD! She said I was still only a finger-tip dilated but 100% effaced. At least, that\u2019s what I think I heard. I thought, \u201cYeah, but with THOSE fingertips!\u201d The Stadol was starting to wear off, but not too much.<\/p>\n
They started the pitocin drip at 6:00 AM. They told me that I would probably have the baby after supper sometime. Grant got dressed, and the contractions started to get to me. I breathed through them pretty well (hee, hee, hee, hooooo), but it was hard knowing that my little one was already gone. Going through the pain for someone\u2019s little life is one thing. Going through it without that joyous ending is defeating.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know what time Mr. Epidural walked into my life. I think it was around 8-9 in the morning. I remember that I was getting contractions regularly and that the Stadol was only letting me not anticipate them as much. They still hurt pretty badly. I warned Mr. Epi about my scoliosis, and it didn\u2019t prove to be a problem whatsoever. He injected the numbing stuff first which was supposed to be a burning feeling, but it wasn\u2019t that bad. The hardest part for me was the position they had to put me in. They had Grant come around to that side of the bed, and they wanted me to lean on him, but I wanted to hug him. Couldn\u2019t do that. Wouldn\u2019t work.<\/p>\n
Anyway, Mr. Epi gave me a Walking Epidural. I could still move my feet and even my legs somewhat, but the pain was abso-tootly GONE! I loved it. With that and the Stadol I was just fine. Grant said that it was actually a little creepy because I was SOOOOO out of it. I looked so relaxed. But in this situation, this was what I needed. Dr. Teruel broke my bag of waters soon afterward, and I went from 4cm to 8cm in less than an hour. They were all oohed and aahhed over my progress. Dr. Teruel said that things were going much better than planned, and I said, \u201cThat\u2019s just what we prayed for,\u201d through my tears.\u00a0 I thanked God for being so gracious.\u00a0 And then I went back to drooling.<\/p>\n
Ms. Epidural, Mr. Epi\u2019s co-hort, came in afterward and said, \u201cHow tall are you?\u201d And I said wearily, \u201c5\u20196\u201d.\u201d She said, \u201cI\u2019m going to bump up your epidural to 12. Mr. Epidural (not his real name. Can\u2019t remember it.) is a little stingy, but since you\u2019re so tall [What? I\u2019m tall?], I think you need a little extra.\u201d I was grateful for Ms. Epi\u2019s generosity later.
\nSoon after that 8cm announcement, the Stadol started to wear off, and I was more alert. Grant was glad to have me back because, the poor dear, had been fielding phone calls and visits all morning without me. He\u2019s been a noble, wonderful man throughout all this. I\u2019m so blessed.<\/p>\n
I think my nurse was glad for me to be alert too because she wouldn\u2019t stop talking. She didn\u2019t realize that Grant had questions for me about the memorial service and such. Somewhere in all this we decided a few things about Elise\u2019s memorial service. I\u2019ll tell you more about that later. One thing the nurse said is that she has a lot of questions for God when she gets to heaven. The first one is, \u201cWhy?\u201d I thought to myself, \u201cMy first question is going to be, \u2018Okay \u2013 Where is she?\u2019\u201d \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n
I was quickly at 10cm, and I could feel the contractions before the monitor could detect them \u2013 a good situation to be in. The team was assembled, and I started to push. That first push, I burst into tears. You know how they tell you to visualize your labor? Well, I had. But I didn\u2019t visualize it like this. I had been watching A Baby Story for months and was bawling at every birth I saw. Grant and I would always say to each other, \u201cI wonder how we\u2019ll react when our baby is born.\u201d This was just not how I pictured it at all. And I was overwhelmed with grief.<\/p>\n
I prayed. Hard. I asked God to somehow help me through this difficult task. I needed to do this one thing for Elise. She needed to be born. This was all I could do for her now. I nourished her for 40 weeks, and she needed to go home after that. But I had one more thing I needed to do. God helped me with this last very difficult task.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know how long I pushed. Grant can\u2019t remember either. We think around 2 hours. I do know that my arms hurt afterward from pulling up. I do know that it was hard. I do know that Grant was such a wonderful help. He whispered in my ear and held me and kissed me and cried with me. The doctor told him he was a great labor coach. And I knew he would be. He was the best ever.<\/p>\n
Between contractions, I absolutely relaxed. I said nothing and didn\u2019t move at all. I tried to utterly focus on my body and my task at hand. It felt good to rest.<\/p>\n
The doctor kept assuring me that I could stop pushing anytime. He could offer help. I wasn\u2019t completely worn out yet, and I wanted to try as best I could. He said to Grant at some point, \u201cThere\u2019s no point in making this difficult for her.\u201d I knew he was right, but I wanted to give it what I could.<\/p>\n
I realized at some point that I was getting tired, and my pushing was getting less effective. I think I may have been a little discouraged at the thought of not hearing a baby\u2019s cry at the end. I told the doctor I was ready for some intervention. The nurse agreed that it was time.<\/p>\n
Apparently, my little Elise was a BIG baby, and she needed more space. He got out the vacuum extractor to help move things along. We waited for a contraction. . . . And I pushed, and he pulled. I eeked out, \u201cIt HURTS.\u201d She was really pressing on my pubic bone. They stopped and did something or other. They said something about numbing my \u201cbottom\u201d (as they all called it). I said, \u201cIt\u2019s not my bottom. It\u2019s my pubic bone.\u201d Grant said they gave me the episiotomy then — 3rd degree. She was HUGE!<\/p>\n
Another contraction came, and I pushed and he pulled. Her head was out. And then another contraction with pushing and pulling, and her shoulders came out. That little one had very, very broad shoulders, I\u2019m here to tell you right now. It HURT!!! And then one little push, and my little Elise was delivered.<\/p>\n
Immediately, I felt horribly, horribly lonely. My belly felt so empty. And the room was so quiet. Eerily quiet. I heard my nurse Carrie whisper, \u201cShe\u2019s perfect! She\u2019s absolutely an angel.\u201d Grant whispered in my ear \u201cIt is a girl.\u201d We both hugged and cried and cried and cried. And we kissed and cried lots more.<\/p>\n
I delivered the placenta and they took the whole thing (that and the cord and I don\u2019t know what else) to be carefully examined. It took a long while to sew me up because I had that relatively huge episiotomy. Elise was 8lb 6 oz \u2013 only a few ounces off from the US prediction. And she was 21\u201d long. She was HUGE!! I knew she was a big baby. I had assumed that such a big baby would be a strong healthy baby too. I wish I had been right.<\/p>\n
After I was all clean and sewn, they brought me my baby girl. Everyone is right. Beforehand you don\u2019t think you want to see the baby, but you do. And you really need to. I must say \u2013 she was gorgeous. Absolutely beautiful. She looks just like Grant\u2019s mom \u2013 tiny bowed lips, slate blue eyes, big eyes, delicate features, reddish eyebrows, and the prettiest curly brown hair you have ever seen! Oh, how I would have loved to watch that hair grow. It was just gorgeous and soft. Her little cheeks were so soft too. She had long fingers and the biggest boats for feet. Her little nails were perfect. She had Grant\u2019s ears too. I was hoping that she had his dimples because that\u2019s one of my favorite things about his smile. But I guess I\u2019ll see that in heaven someday. Her trunk was LOOOOOOOOOONG \u2013 very long. And that little bottom I felt moving in my belly felt just right cupped in my hand.<\/p>\n
We talked with her. She was still warm. I told her all about the room we had planned for her. I told her about the dresses I made and the things people had bought her. I told her about Cricket (our dog). And all her grandmas and grandpas. I told her about how many people were looking forward to meeting her, and how sad they were that she was gone. We three just talked. Grant held her too, and he was unsure of how he felt about doing that. But he was glad he did. I called the nurse in and asked her to dress Elise in the dress that the hospital provides (volunteers make little dresses for stillborns with blankets and caps). And then I wanted her back for my parents to meet her.<\/p>\n
My parents came in, and we all talked. Eventually we had to kick them out again for me to get checked and to make my little potty trip. I didn\u2019t succeed in my peeing task, so they had to empty my bladder. Ho-hum. . . . Then I got my reward of undies! \ud83d\ude00<\/p>\n
Soon Elise came back in her pretty pink smocked dress. My mom held her, and she agreed that it helped to bond with this little baby. My dad was too overwhelmed to hold her. We all talked to her and about her. I held her more. My mom and dad switched places with my brother and sister-in-law (they were watching their kids), and Steve and Sarah got to hold her too. Sarah especially cried. Steve took lots and lots of pictures for us. The staff took a whole bunch of Polaroids. We had the hospital photographer take pictures, but those weren\u2019t especially good, frankly. She was starting to look less and less like a baby, and even Grant said that it was starting to hurt him.<\/p>\n
So my Mom and Dad said their good-byes to the little one. They kissed her and left. And Grant and I sat down with Elise for our good-byes. We cried a lot. An awful lot. I sang a lullaby to her. I asked Grant if he wanted to pray, but he couldn\u2019t. So I prayed. I had to pray. We thanked God for the little time we had Elise in our lives and for the joy she brought us. I remembered that we were going to dedicate her to God, and we really already had, so this was in God\u2019s plan and for her best and our best. We just had a long talk with God and prayed for wisdom and strength. And we asked Him to hold us very, very close right now. And He has.<\/p>\n
Dr. Teruel came in too.\u00a0 He asked to hold her.\u00a0 I was so worried that her little head would not be steady.\u00a0 It was so moving that he loved her too and needed to say goodbye.\u00a0 He left soon afterward.<\/p>\n
We each kissed her. I kissed her once for her Grandma and Grandpa Lewis. She was already cold. We said good-bye. I called the nurse in to take her. I asked for her dress and blanket as keepsakes. They got her hand and foot prints and a lock of that beautiful hair. And she was gone.<\/p>\n
That night, my parents came back and we sat and talked. Our dearest friends Anne and John came, and it was kinda funny. Since Grant and I had just had some closure, we ended up comforting Anne and John. I showed Anne her dress and told her what she looked like. We talked about her big hands and feet. And then John asked my Dad about his salvation testimony, and my Dad perked up and told about how he came to know the Lord. I love hearing that story. LOVE IT! And I wanted to hear the LONG version in my father\u2019s voice. It is such a comfort to me to hear Dad tell any story, but that one is so special. It reminded all of us of how God takes care and how He provides a way to His best. It was good to know that life goes on and that all of us are loved by each other and our God.<\/p>\n
On Sunday, I could have gone home, but Grant and I decided we should stay. Since my episiotomy was so severe (at least the way the nurses were talking), it seemed best. Grant and I had a nice together time just the two of us. We cried and hugged and laughed and watched really bad movies and played games and cried and talked and hugged and kissed. My sister-in-law came and brought us a big basket of food (which my husband needed), and we all talked and cried some more. My brother came next and we talked and hugged and talked. Emmy, my 5-year-old niece, told her mom (Sarah) that maybe Sarah should share some of her children with Auntie Camille. Sounds like a really sweet sentiment, doesn\u2019t it? Well, we think it was just her way of trying to get rid of her 2-year-old sister Cammie.<\/p>\n
Our dearest friends Darrin and Christine (we are blessed with many good friends) came next. We told them the story, and they cried with us and hugged us. It was so sweet to see them. My parents came again, and we all sat and talked. I think by this point we were really healing. My Dad seemed better (I was really worried about him), and Grant and I were doing very well. We all shared stories while I ate the wretched dinner that barely passes for food in hospitals (how can they ruin jello?). Bleh. A couple from our church, the Bartholomews, came to comfort us. They have had 6 miscarriages and 3 living children. It was so nice to see them and pray with them. Grant and I got in a few more good games, and we watched wonderful Andy Griffith episodes as we went to sleep. It was the pickle episode last night \u2013 one of my favorites!!!<\/p>\n
Monday morning we came home. It was hard. I was waiting for Grant to get out of the shower in the hospital, and I could hear the Doppler heart tones REALLY loud in the room next door. It made me ache. That was the last thing I heard from my Elise, and I couldn\u2019t take it. I went into the bathroom to be with Grant, and he said I should ask the nurse if they could turn it down. I felt so selfish asking that. But she came in right after he and I talked about it, and so I asked. She was so gracious and took care of it right away. It was interesting \u2013 the newborn crying didn\u2019t bother me. In fact, I liked hearing it because it reminded me of life. But that heartbeat sound was a little too much right now.<\/p>\n
My nursing staff was so wonderful. Most of them graduated from the same school I had. Carrie Angel was my main nurse. She was terrific! She really helped me push right! And Meredith Edmonds was another wonderful nurse who goes to Anne and John\u2019s church. Dr. Teruel was a gem and so careful with me. And even the scrub nurse goes to my brother\u2019s church.
\nApparently, the entire city of Greenville knows what I\u2019ve been going through. It\u2019s kinda strange. My brother had someone talk about me (not knowing I was Steve\u2019s sister) at his class Saturday morning. Go figure. They prayed for me all over town. I have just felt the loving arms of God wrap themselves securely around all of us. I am just so blessed. I can\u2019t believe how good God has been.<\/p>\n