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Great Minds ;)

I was just joking the other day with some friends that Chaferianism does to a Christian’s sanctification what Jenny Craig does to a person’s health: creates a new standard of normal, commodifies it, makes a person nearly permanently dependent on external artificial sources, vilifies human appetites, and encourages binging. Basically, both set a person up for failure but make a ton of money in the process.

And then tominthebox has to go ahead and say the same thing but a lot funnier! Check out SinWatchers:

The amount of sin points an individual receives each day depends on the Watchers current spiritual maturity level. For example, Marge started out at 88 points per day based on her church attendance, two divorces, and the four TVs in her home. Now, she is able to make it through the day with 23 points on average. Each week, she meets with a support group to share breakthroughs. Recent helpful suggestions include:

  • Divide your sin points over at least three periods during the day so they don’t stand out in your mind or the minds of others.
  • Imagination: Imagining a sin rather than actually committing the sin reduces points by 75%.
  • Combination: Combine minor sins for more effect. Watching one hour of Dukes of Hazzard while gossiping, cuts in half the hourly points assessed for each.

Specific “small” sins that may help you prevent bigger serious sins include:

  • By scheduling a daily “light gossip session” for example, a middle-aged lady is able to able to release some of the desire to sin, and maybe avoid a much worse “slander” sin.
  • Men of all ages, for example, may schedule to daily recall an improper visual image from childhood, and thus reduce a current pornography addiction.
  • Someone prone to murder may choose to plan a punching bag session while imagining to smash the face of a co-worker, avoiding the actual murder.

There are some sins that just don’t fit into the program, period! No amount of points are tolerated for all the biggies: adultery, mormanism, murder, rape, hard rock music, and sermons by any of the 4 Johns (Piper, MacArthur, Calvin, or Edwards).

4 thoughts on “Great Minds ;)

  1. Hilarious. Almost as funny as “Calvinex” and probably better than the ones on the KJV-only crowd.

    I like your analogy to Jenny Craig as well (although I’ve only seen her stuff on TV and I am not sure there is *that* much money in peddling Chaferianism). There’s that verse in Proverbs on how “hope deferred makes the heart sick.” So true. Having hope, only to see it dashed over and over again, leaves a person miserable and far worse off than they were at the beginning. I’ve seen it (and experienced it) in many areas of life, but I cannot think of anywhere where the proverb is so true. Or so tragic.

  2. I am not sure there is *that* much money in peddling Chaferianism

    Have you heard of the Left Behind series or Joel Osteen? 😉

    I was talking with a PCA/amill friend about all this some time ago — an MDiv from Westminster. I was repeating the argument I had heard that just because you’re dispensationalist in eschatology does not mean you have to be dispensationalist in soteriology.

    Her response still has me thinking, “Of course it does! It’s the same thing. How God saves you and how God saves the Redeemed at large. Both are salvation stories. Both parts rely on the same hermeneutic. They go hand-in-hand.”

  3. I skimmed the first once, and decided that I stopped reading stuff on that level sometime in second grade. I object to the works as bad literature before we even get to the theology part. As to Mr. Osteen, I never thought to put him in the Chaferianism category; he’s a heretic for preaching the Prospertiy Gospel.

    One day I will have to return to the subject of eschatology. Right now I don’t have one, beyond “He will return to judge both the living and the dead.”

  4. Ok, I REALLY cannot do this computer code thing. Maybe I can just make a contribution to Mr. Osteen and he will tap me and I will suddenly be good at it. 🙂

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