Thankful

I am so thankful I have a precious snuggler to rock to sleep. Lately I find myself stealing extra minutes holding him before leaving him to rest for his nap.

I am so thankful that I had a blissful pregnancy with my Elise. I’m so thankful I got to know her for that short time. I’m so thankful I was really ill in those early weeks so that she made a deep, lasting impression on me. I’m so thankful that I have many happy memories of her life. I’m so thankful that I got to see her and hold her even if she was already in Heaven. I’m so thankful that I touched her curly brown hair and her perfectly bowed lips. I’m so thankful that I got to sing her a lullaby which, I didn’t even realize until weeks later, was ironically “Stay Awake” from Mary Poppins.

I’m so thankful that she taught me how to be a gentler mama. I listen better. I am better attached. I move more slowly when necessary and more quickly when necessary. I am more playful, more positive, more creative, and more gentle because of that sweet little girl.

Grant said the other day, “I don’t know other parents our age who enjoy their children this much. I really thought parenting would be drudgery. It’s really, really fun!” I think Elise taught us to wring out every last drop of joy in the seconds that pass. I’m so thankful for the joy we have now because we know her.

When we lost our first baby, we decided to go ahead and plan for the next pregnancy (for Elise!) as a leap of faith. We chose Ecclesiastes 3:11 as our reminder that God would make that sadness into something beautiful in His time. As we announced her life to our family and as we prepared the nursery, we put that verse at the forefront. It still decorates the outside of the nursery door.

And when she was born to Heaven four years ago, I remember thinking, “I know God can make this beautiful, but I just don’t know how.” And now I’ve got a little better idea. Knowing Elise has made me more clearly understand and more completely embrace God’s Grace. Only God can take such a tragedy and turn it into a complete comedy even in this lost and dying world.

To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. Isaiah 61:3